black eyes, broken glasses, ear infections and meltdowns

 I swear I blog in my head daily, but by the time I get to sit in front of a computer, I'm usually too tired to type a single word and all the emotions, frustrations, and feelings of the day get so jumbled up inside my head - I can't make heads or tails of what I really want to say! So, here we go again...

Things have been crazy around here, as should be expected with three very vibrant and needy little girls taking up residence under the same roof. This leaves one very tired mama at the end of each day, but a happy mama none-the-less. Let's start with Molly.

About a month or so ago we started Molly on the Modified Atkins Diet with hopes that putting her body into ketosis permanently would allow the clarity we saw in her when she was sick with the stomach bug. Modified atkins restricts the carbohydrate intake and forces the body to burn fat for energy. Unlike the much stricter ketogenic diet, MAD doesn't require us to restrict calories or proteins. It seemed to really be working initially. We are working with her doctors and we had all her appropriate lab work drawn. There was an amazing clarity about her in those first few weeks. She heard us, she asked us how our day was, she interacted with us - it was like we were meeting a deeper level of our daughter. It was a happy two weeks - but now we're back to managing behaviors, she's zoney, her attention is that of a ping pong ball, and the meltdowns are  worse then we've ever seen. Today was one of those days. We were the object of the stares in Target as my seven year old daughter alternated between slouching beside me as I pushed the cart and running away from me screaming and crying. She sobbed, she told me she didn't want me to be her mother anymore, she sobbed some more, she refused to get out of the car. It was gut wrenching and broke my heart as she said between the sobs "I don't want to be a brat, I don't want to be bad, I'm so sorry" and then began sobbing and screaming again. We're at a loss....



Tomorrow a specialist from Autism Intervention Specialists will come out to evaluate Molly and develop an ABA plan for home behaviors. Monday we meet with the diet team and a nutritionist. I don't know if it's blood sugar, if it's chemical, if it's the autism evolving, or if she's having seizure activity. All I know is the new Molly we were getting to know is not this Molly, I feel like we've gone backwards about 3 years in the last three weeks and I don't know why. I'm not ready to give up on the diet though - I do feel like it can hold some answers for us, we just need help in tweaking it to work for her. Today was very difficult, but tomorrow is a new day. She may have snapped her glasses in half today, but they can be fixed - I only wish it was so easy to make Molly feel better too....


That's enough right there, but we have 2 more kiddos to consider. Next in line comes Kennedy and every bit of her 4 years. She doesn't like being in the middle or being second. She would much prefer to be first, best, most, and the center of the universe. She was pretty sick for two whole weeks. Fever, cough, swollen glands were just some of her issues. They checked her for strep, for mono and came to the conclusion it was just a bad virus. Part of the reason they checked her so thoroughly was that she has been covered in bruises from head to toe. I mean, I know four year olds fall, but this was ridiculous. Her blood work looked ok though, so we still don't have too many answers. As she was finally recovered, she went back to school and that meant a visit to the playground between her 2:30pm dismissal and Molly's 3pm dismissal. Unfortunately this playground visit also resulted in yet another fall for young Kennedy. She face planted, and once again didn't put her hands down to catch herself. This resulted in a huge goose-egg over her eye which now looks like dark make-up applied to her eye as the bruise continues to darken after 6 days have passed. She proudly displays her "big boo-boo" to all that ask. Next I have to figure out why it is that Kennedy is falling so much.

And not to be left out, my baby girl. Miss Zoey is currently on antibiotics for her 4th ear infection. Since number 3 required 4 rounds of antibiotics, we're pumping her full of probiotics and seeing where we go. If I had a glass ball, I'd say we're headed to the ENT but as the doctor has instructed, we're biding our time. Zoey is making great progress physically and developmentally which makes me so happy. She babbling up a storm and cruising around the furniture. However, I am really concerned that her feet turn in so far they are sideways, it's not normal but again, I'm told to bide my time. We've got a GI appt coimng up, to decide what she'll drink after her hypoallergenic formula. She also has her one-year check-up and a neuro follow-up as well as a repeat MRI in the future. Until then, we're enjoying her new found game of peek-a-boo, bouncing to Mickey singing the hot-dog song, and swaying her hips as she crawls around trying to make sense of the patterns of her big sisters.



And where does that leave mom? It leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions. It leaves me doting on my kids but trying to be that helicopter parent. It leaves me scouring books and websites for ideas, recipes, symptoms, commiserations and deals on outdoor paraphernalia. It leaves me feeling very out of control and thus trying to organize whatever pieces of my house I can manage to do when there isn't a kiddo attached to my leg! And it leaves me with a mix of emotions I'm struggling to work through.

I'm happy, because I have everything I could have ever wanted. I devoted and kind husband who is as wonderful a father as he is a human being. I have three beautiful little girls, who sparkle with life and love and intensely enjoy everything they do. I have a wonderful family who is always there, if not physically, emotionally. I have a home, I have passion, I have love.

I'm angry because I sometimes let myself sink into the "why me pity party". I'm angry that my kids have to fight the battles they do. I'm sad a lot. I feel alone a lot, which seems silly because I'm never alone, but I think that's another whole blog about friendships and my attempt to keep them up, but my apparent failures on that - whoops!

So, yeah, because I'm your mom black eyes, broken glasses, ear infections and meltdowns are just part of my day. And you know what, this past few weeks might have given me some new grey hairs, but I've earned each and every one of them! I love you girls with all my heart and am saying many prayers for patience and understanding.