The Day That Wasn't

Today should have been a fabulous day. The sun was shining, the temperature was pretty perfect and we had nowhere we had to be and nothing we had to do.

Perhaps that's why days like today hurt so much. They literally bring tears you didn't know you had. When your little girl sits on the steps with tears rolling down her face saying "I really want to be alone, but I don't like how quiet it is when I'm alone". When she just wants to lie on the couch or walk in patterns around the house telling stories in her head; what do you do? You can't stop her, you can't change her course - you have no idea why any of this happens. You call doctors because of strange rashes, you try to figure out why she's so tired all the time, why she's falling, why she feels "not herself".

You foolishly expect answers, but once again, there are no answers to be had. And this mystery haunts your sleep, your days, your thoughts. You have to think of ever "what if" before you can plan anything. You feel helpless and sad and then the guilt settles in. You have three children after all, you knowingly brought them into this world to be a part of this craziness. While you worry about your oldest, you can't forget about the needs of your other two - not that they would let you for one second.

And so this glorious day becomes a precarious balancing act. You are a short order cook, a nurse, a medicator, a comforter. You pull down underpants 100 times, you do laundry and dishes, clean up spills and step on countless legos while your toes are trampled. You thankfully remembered your anxiety meds and are grateful for the leftover eggplant you managed to eat for lunch while playing hide and seek with your youngest. You organized all the bills - house bills, medical bills (they never stop), and the budget that never seems big enough. Oh and you got in a few hours of work as well. You dreamed of going for a walk, but somehow knew that it was not a good idea. And somehow, as you tucked your youngest into bed for the tenth time, you find yourself thinking that maybe tomorrow we'll all go to the zoo or at least to Target!