feeling like a failure

My first baby

Because I am your mom, sometimes I feel like a failure. Before motherhood, I was a born fixer. I saw a problem, I drafted a solution, and usually I fixed the problem or at the very least, improved the situation. But that isn't the case anymore. Now, some days all I see are problems and I cannot even get to the point to draft a solution!

My sweet Molly, it breaks my heart watching you sink further and further inside yourself. I can see the storm firing inside your head, I can see you unable to stop yourself. It hurts watching you fighting a brain that won't listen. I want to research, I want to ask questions, I want to find you help. But I don't even know where to start or which questions to ask. Are you zoning out? Are you having silent seizures? Are you getting sick? Is this what your personal picture of autism is going to look like? Is this our new normal or just a cycle? Do you need medication? A test? Is there an answer for any of my questions and how do I find them?

I call a doctor, they tell me to call another doctor. They tell me to document, to wait, that we can try this test or that treatment. But what is the right answer? The behavior specialists think seizures, the seizure specialists think behavior and I do not know what the right answer is.

I feel like I have failed you Molly, because we've been in this cycle before. It's a downward spiral where the only thing that calms your body is holding an Ipad, and even then I am watching you mindlessly talking to that Ipad right now. You aren't acutely ill, but you aren't well. You respond to me, but your thoughts are nonsensical and mostly fantasy. It's so hard to watch, because it is not like this all the time. You can't focus, you can't stop moving. You stop mid thought or in the middle of reading a sentence and just stare off unsure of what happened. You're scared of everything. Loud noises, a move we aren't making, being in a show, of traffic and even of death. Some of your fears are fantasy laden and make no sense and some are so real, it's hard to calm you without tears in  my eyes. Before this cycle hit, you were still fixated on theater and plays, but you talked to me and we had conversations. Before this cycle hit you were able to focus long enough to read a story, or learn a new skill. But none of that is happening right now. I feel like you are slipping away from us and that scares me.

So what do we do? I know what we don't do - we don't give up!

I am not one to wallow and I don't let failure keep me down long. I absolutely hate this helpless feeling, so I will reach out to every contact I can think of, every doctor or educated individual and find out what we should do. Because even though I feel like a failure right now, it is also my job as your mom to be your champion. Although I may occasionally fall off the white horse you put me on, I promise to always be there to do everything I can to give you and your sisters the best of everything.

Please know, the best of everything does not mean designer clothes and wildly expensive gifts; it means love, happiness, and self-confidence. It means that if I know something is not right with your health, either physically or mentally, I won't rest until we get answers. It means that you will never know a world where you are not loved and cherished every minute of every day, even when I am banging my head against a wall in frustration.

Sweet Molly, you are my oldest. You have taught me the most and you have paved a path for your sisters to follow. And although I have many worries for your sisters, from Kennedy's behaviors and learning challenges to Zoey's various health and development questions; you are at the forefront of my mind this evening.

Because I am your mom,  I do feel like a failure sometimes. But then I look at your smiles, get a kiss or a hug, or hear you do something that warms my heart and I know I'm not a failure, I'm a Mom. It's my job to feel your pain and heartache and to share in your joy and triumph. So, I just need to keep working!

Because I am your mom, I promise to always love the three of you to pieces and to never give up!