Back to School

Today was the first day of school here. Molly embarked on her first day of Third Grade, Kennedy confidently entered the realms of Kindergarten, and Zoey enjoy 2.5 hours of being the only child (half of which she spent n her crib!). And Mommy, well Mommy spent equal amounts of the day worrying, preparing, and wondering and a few minutes sitting down and having grown-up time (something that has not existed this summer at all!). As Molly proclaimed when she woke up, "Today is a Big DAY!" - it certainly was - and they showed every bit of the emotions from today in their tired little faces this evening. And although, Molly is still awake, picking at every scab and fingernail she can find - I'm hoping to see the anxiety leave her soon so she can rest that precious brain of hers before tomorrow's BIG DAY!

The start of the school year is always met with such a mix of emotions for me. As a former teacher, I used to relish every minute of my unscheduled time. Now, granted, there was only one summer I didn't work or have a kid and it was the summer we got married - so it was still super busy - but it was a blissful summer! Now as a parent, I both relish my undisturbed and unstructured time with the kids and count down the days until they are back in the routines schools require. Then there is the planning that goes into sending a medically needy child into someone else's care for 6+ hours. And of course there is the worrying that goes into not having said child in my sights all day, as I have all summer. Unfortunately it was a very tough summer for Molly. She was sick, lethargic and went to doctor's appointments or therapy appointments 2-3 times a week. So, leaving her today was hard. I thank God every day she has an amazing para with her 1:1, keeping tabs on her and making sure she stays safe. 

Molly & her beautiful Para Linda

I think it's normal for parents to worry about their kids when they go to school. Heck, in this day and age, we'd be almost callous not to. But, when you have a child with special needs or a challenging medical picture - it's easy to be consumed by the worry. I didn't realize how much I was worrying about Molly until I dropped Kennedy off today without hesitation or worry, but couldn't let the nagging worry I had for Molly go. I can tell myself all the time that she will be fine, but I've seen her not fine so much lately that it's hard to let it go. 

So, I did what I do best. I organized and I prepped and I made sure everything was in order so that if anything unexpected came up, we'd be ready to roll! I got all Molly's meds together, all the paperwork that goes along with them, Kennedy's updated medical form with her recently acquired immunizations marked and dated, all of Molly and Kennedy's school supplies, and Molly's completed summer packet. Then there was adjusting Molly's meal intake to correspond to the later lunch schedule that 3rd grade brought on. I made her Modified Atkins Lunch and double morning snacks. I got both their water bottles ready and Kennedy's snack too. Everything was nice and lined up. Their first day of school outfits were laid out as well as their new shoes from Goomie. They got up and I fixed their hair. Chris helped me make breakfast and by 8:40am we were on our way down to school.

The school is so great about working with us. They've given us a parking pass so Molly doesn't have to walk too far. They know us and help us with med drop off and disseminating very important information to Molly's ever growing team. They do their best to make me feel comfortable and safe about Molly being away from me. 

Bottom line is that I made it! Best news is that the kids made it too! As the school has been so understanding, I pick both girls up about 10 minutes early to avoid the insane chaos of the end of  the day. I was standing by the main office as Molly came from Science Class back to her classroom. Her para, Linda, was holding her hand and Molly looked about ready to fall asleep. She fought back tears as she saw me. My big girl held it together all day and kept her emotions mostly in tact. When she walked in the door, she collapsed on the couch and just laid there for an hour - emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I guess it's good my other two buddies were there, or I probably would have just laid down next to her and snuggled her for the entire hour! 

so tired after a full day back!

I was thrilled to hear Kennedy chat contentedly about being a Kindergartner. She talked about all the teachers that came into her room, all the kids, the fun things they did. It was hard to keep up with her and it was a welcomed reaction from the grilling I usually have to give Molly about her day! I was so proud of Kennedy. She smiled, laughed and walked like such a big girl into her first day of school.  Today was truly the first day of Keddy's educational career - one that will be as big as she can dream! School is where I found my love of music, reading, math, and teaching and I hope that my girls can stumble upon just as many amazing educational discoveries! 

Everyday I kiss them goodbye and send them off to the care of their amazing teachers, I am putting complete trust and faith in those teachers hands and in the school. It's harder then I ever imagined, but I know the girls are getting so much out of their time in school that I suck it up each day and try to keep the nagging worry in the back of my head.

vacation with kids

I want to be upfront when I start this blog, under no circumstances did Chris or I expect to RELAX on this vacation. We knew it would be pretty much non-stop with our 3 kids plus a handful more, and we were quite honestly, perfectly fine with that. You see, after all these years, we just cherish the time we get to be all together. I know they say parents need their alone time, and I agree we do, but when time together is a precious commodity, you have to prioritize and we rank being all together at the top of that list.

Packed and ready to go!

and the kids fit!

That being said, when we said we wanted to be all together I don't think either of us meant 15 hours each way in the car! Really, the car trip would have been no big deal had the states of CT, NJ, MD, DE, and VA actually cooperated and kept all other drivers off the road and cancelled road construction when the Renz Family was travelling! It also would have been easier if Zoey didn't vehemently object to being in the car. She was ticked off, and she was making sure we all knew it and we were feeling it. Molly was a gem, tucked in the back seat only asking us what time it was every 15 minutes and Kennedy did great thanks to our new friend - Children's Dramamine. But boy, does it take a lot to travel 750 miles away from home with 3 kids. Our mini-van was packed to the gills and we were thanking God for the Dodge coming with under-seat storage. Because, when you rent a house and don't want to pay extra to rent EVERYTHING, you must bring it all. That meant linens, a pack and play, a booster chair, cooking supplies, sand toys, beach supplies, pool supplies, clothing, cleaning supplies and special dietary food you aren't sure you can get somewhere else. Oh and of course the GIANT bin of Meds and Molly's push-chair and Zoey's stroller - not small stuff!

But, we got there and we were able to visit with wonderful friends who moved to Myrtle Beach while we waited for our house to be ready. The kids all got to stretch their legs and fill their bellies and get excited about being on vacation. But, it was go-time from the minute we pulled out of the driveway on Friday August 17th at 10:15pm until we pulled back in on Saturday August 24th at 11:30pm. We played, we swam, we boogie boarded, we laughed, we explored, we hugged and we had a great time!

totally done with the car!

not happy

Chris and I learned a few things. Our kids are not ready to make long car trips - or maybe we aren't ready to make any more car trips. The baby cage that could turn into a baby gate was worth every penny when we went out to buy it after being in the house for less then 24 hours as someone rescued Zoey from the giant staircases for the umpteenth time. We learned that we love that our kids have their own rooms (well sort of), it was nice to be able to keep an eye on them and hear them sleep, but we would rather do it on the monitors and allow them to make their restless sleeping noises without waking each other up. We learned three was and is the magic number for us - it was great having more kids there so Kennedy had playmates all week, but it was a whole new perspective herding more then the 3 that we are used to herding. We also discovered how wonderful it is to have grown-up time. Chris referred to it as the detox portion of the night, where we could play a non-Candyland type games, speak about topics beyond Disney Junior and diapers, and actually sit down! Of course, Zoey knew this was "our time" and she wanted a part of it 3 out of 7 nights - but, that's ok.

grown up games!!

no kids awake, and he's asleep...

One thing I made sure to keep telling myself, especially when I started getting frustrated when someone was crying again or when I was dragging someone else back through the current because they couldn't seem to pay attention at the beach or when I was cautioning someone else to stop jumping for the thousandth time; was that there were plenty of parents out there wishing they could have those experiences just one more time. That there was a mom out there sitting next to her son's hospital bed, willing him to start screaming and wishing she was rocking him to sleep. Each day truly is a gift, and we considered this vacation to be winning the lottery. We got over a week of precious time to spend with our three favorite little people on the planet. We saw a million smiles, heard a million giggles, watched discoveries, got hugs and kisses and snuggles, and just spent time together. That's not to say our life is sunshine and fluffy clouds, but life is how you look at it and it's what you make of it.

pool time with the kids

In addition to our family unit of 5, we spent a week with people who are like family. They are some of the best friends we have ever had and are important parts of our lives. They understand that our life is in constant flux depending on what Molly is doing or how she's feeling. They pitched in without being asked and the girls LOVED all the attention. It was just a wonderful experience and an amazing group of people who I am eternally grateful to have in my life!

You know, the issues we battle at home, followed us on vacation, but just like a home we tried really hard not to get hung up on them. Did it mean we skipped the water park? Yes. Did it mean we used Molly's push chair everywhere we went? Yes. But did we  have fun no matter what? We sure did!

This is the heart of my world

And now, we're home. The laundry is all done, and almost all put away. Chris is back to work, the girls are back to fighting as only siblings can, AND they are back to sleeping in their own beds. I am back to my role as I am waiting for a call from the doctor regarding abnormal results on Molly's pre-vacation blood work and doing my very best not to worry and to prep 2 little girls who start a new school year on Thursday. Real life is back in full force!

See - smiles & giggles!

So, while vacation with kids is not about sitting in lounge chairs sipping adult beverages, it's still one of the most rewarding times we get as a family. I do get that we need us time and I need me time, but the girls are only these ages for so long and I've seen way to much loss lately - so I choose to cherish these days as a family and enjoy our vacations together! I hope everyone else got to make happy memories this summer as well!

What a way to end a trip - no pants and a bag of chips!

The Sibling Effect

Feisty Girl

I have been getting extremely frustrated with my 2nd born lately. She's 40 inches of pure precociousness and every bit as feisty. She's affectionately referred to as TURBO or BIG TROUBLE and when she's being sweet, she's our Keddy-Bear. We've tried rewards, we've tried consequences, we've tried kindness and sternness and it doesn't seem to make a change in her behavior for more the 5 minutes at a clip. I find myself being short tempered and extremely impatient with a 4 year old and then I get mad at myself for losing it with said 4 year old! So, I took a step back, and tried to perceive our life through her eyes and not my own. What I found was both comforting and eye-opening at the same time.

They really are best friends

Kennedy is our middle child. Her older sister is 7.5 years old, but functions at about the 4 year old level in a lot of ways. Molly cannot dress herself most days, she cannot shower herself or properly clean herself; bottom line is that she needs A LOT of assistance throughout the entire day. Kennedy's younger sister is almost 15 months and she cannot do anything for herself yet. She needs to be changed, be fed, be bathed and be babied, because SHE'S A BABY. So that leaves Kennedy assuming a lot of responsibility. We expect her to dress herself, to take herself to the bathroom, to help set and clear the table, to clean up her toys and to help her sisters with the things they are unable to do. It totally makes sense to me as the parent and adult. The one who can do, should do and the ones who can't get more help. I looked at this through Kennedy's eyes though, and what I saw was my sisters getting a lot more attention for day to day tasks, being praised when they pulled their pants up or followed a simple command. What I saw was if I refused to do things or cried about them, Mommy and Daddy would sweep in and help - or would they? There was not clear boundaries for what Kennedy can expect from Chris or I. Sometimes we help her, sometimes we make her do it herself - she has no idea what to expect, and so she pushes limits and forces our hand. Something to consciously work on, it wont' be easy, but we can fix it.

Waiting for Molly again

And so my observing continued. Molly has autism as one of her lengthy list of diagnoses. This leaves her unable to play easily with others and often times just playing inside her head. Kennedy will often say to her, "Oh Molly - you're in your own world again". These times, I think - wow, she really gets it. But then seconds later, the Molly, MOOOOLLLY, MOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLYYYYYYY begins and I realize, she just wants her sister to play with her. Kennedy is searching for a way to connect with Molly and just finding road blocks. The game that engaged Molly yesterday, is met with defiance and tears the next day. I know that feeling, I carry it with me as a parent. But, to be 4 years old, learning the ins and outs of social protocol yourself and have to navigate the dramatic responses of someone you've known your whole life, it's a heavy burden and one we need to help Kennedy with more.

Another appointment, waiting for the car

It's been a long summer of doctor appointments and therapies in our house, most times 2 or 3 a week, sometimes more. Most of them for Molly, who's been struggling with an unknown illness on top of her current issues and Kennedy has either been dragged along or left with family members. She has gotten very little time at playgrounds, beaches, swimming pools, at friend's houses. Molly hasn't felt well enough most of the summer to go outside, and so Kennedy has to make due. Kennedy's also begun to vocalize that she doesn't want to do these things alone, not understanding that Molly cannot do them. I'm excited to go to Myrtle Beach with friends and my husband and other kids, because if Molly isn't up to doing things - Kennedy still can. I'm also happy to see the return of the school year. There will be much needed structure for Molly and a whole 3 hours in the morning that are just me with Keddy and Zoey.

alone time at the beach with Mom

I know parenting is difficult. There are choices to make, there are paths to lead them along and there are lessons to be learned by them and us. But, this feels tricky. With Molly, I'm worried constantly. Being her Mom is almost equated with being her nurse and her counselor. There is a lot of hands on stuff needed for Molly and it does take a lot of energy, focus and time. With Zoey, she's a baby - so everything is exciting and special. Each new word or sign, each new thing she does - it's worth rejoicing. And with Kennedy, I feel like a life guard, constantly watching her to make sure she doesn't go too far and hurt herself. Constantly trying to help her express her emotions through language and not whining. And constantly reminding myself that she is only 4.5 years old.

Sassy girl - all of 4.5!

her favorite place - Mommy's lap!

I see her seeking attention; she was singing to herself the other day, and when I didn't react, she says, "I'm in my world today, this is Kennedy's world". I see the frustrations as she screams, whines or cries the minute she's told "No". But I also see the love she has and the admiration as she tells people her sisters name, and as she proudly walks beside Molly's stroller - not even noticing the looks we are getting. Really, I think the weight she carries on her shoulders was made clear to me, when she hugged Molly as we hurried off to the hospital one night and said "be ok, I love you". And so, I know she has been made a better person for having a sibling with such specific and special needs and I know she will do wonderful things with her life. But, I must remember that she needs us as much, if not more then her sisters, because she is special too - in a different way, but definitely special!.