The Sibling Effect

Feisty Girl

I have been getting extremely frustrated with my 2nd born lately. She's 40 inches of pure precociousness and every bit as feisty. She's affectionately referred to as TURBO or BIG TROUBLE and when she's being sweet, she's our Keddy-Bear. We've tried rewards, we've tried consequences, we've tried kindness and sternness and it doesn't seem to make a change in her behavior for more the 5 minutes at a clip. I find myself being short tempered and extremely impatient with a 4 year old and then I get mad at myself for losing it with said 4 year old! So, I took a step back, and tried to perceive our life through her eyes and not my own. What I found was both comforting and eye-opening at the same time.

They really are best friends

Kennedy is our middle child. Her older sister is 7.5 years old, but functions at about the 4 year old level in a lot of ways. Molly cannot dress herself most days, she cannot shower herself or properly clean herself; bottom line is that she needs A LOT of assistance throughout the entire day. Kennedy's younger sister is almost 15 months and she cannot do anything for herself yet. She needs to be changed, be fed, be bathed and be babied, because SHE'S A BABY. So that leaves Kennedy assuming a lot of responsibility. We expect her to dress herself, to take herself to the bathroom, to help set and clear the table, to clean up her toys and to help her sisters with the things they are unable to do. It totally makes sense to me as the parent and adult. The one who can do, should do and the ones who can't get more help. I looked at this through Kennedy's eyes though, and what I saw was my sisters getting a lot more attention for day to day tasks, being praised when they pulled their pants up or followed a simple command. What I saw was if I refused to do things or cried about them, Mommy and Daddy would sweep in and help - or would they? There was not clear boundaries for what Kennedy can expect from Chris or I. Sometimes we help her, sometimes we make her do it herself - she has no idea what to expect, and so she pushes limits and forces our hand. Something to consciously work on, it wont' be easy, but we can fix it.

Waiting for Molly again

And so my observing continued. Molly has autism as one of her lengthy list of diagnoses. This leaves her unable to play easily with others and often times just playing inside her head. Kennedy will often say to her, "Oh Molly - you're in your own world again". These times, I think - wow, she really gets it. But then seconds later, the Molly, MOOOOLLLY, MOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLYYYYYYY begins and I realize, she just wants her sister to play with her. Kennedy is searching for a way to connect with Molly and just finding road blocks. The game that engaged Molly yesterday, is met with defiance and tears the next day. I know that feeling, I carry it with me as a parent. But, to be 4 years old, learning the ins and outs of social protocol yourself and have to navigate the dramatic responses of someone you've known your whole life, it's a heavy burden and one we need to help Kennedy with more.

Another appointment, waiting for the car

It's been a long summer of doctor appointments and therapies in our house, most times 2 or 3 a week, sometimes more. Most of them for Molly, who's been struggling with an unknown illness on top of her current issues and Kennedy has either been dragged along or left with family members. She has gotten very little time at playgrounds, beaches, swimming pools, at friend's houses. Molly hasn't felt well enough most of the summer to go outside, and so Kennedy has to make due. Kennedy's also begun to vocalize that she doesn't want to do these things alone, not understanding that Molly cannot do them. I'm excited to go to Myrtle Beach with friends and my husband and other kids, because if Molly isn't up to doing things - Kennedy still can. I'm also happy to see the return of the school year. There will be much needed structure for Molly and a whole 3 hours in the morning that are just me with Keddy and Zoey.

alone time at the beach with Mom

I know parenting is difficult. There are choices to make, there are paths to lead them along and there are lessons to be learned by them and us. But, this feels tricky. With Molly, I'm worried constantly. Being her Mom is almost equated with being her nurse and her counselor. There is a lot of hands on stuff needed for Molly and it does take a lot of energy, focus and time. With Zoey, she's a baby - so everything is exciting and special. Each new word or sign, each new thing she does - it's worth rejoicing. And with Kennedy, I feel like a life guard, constantly watching her to make sure she doesn't go too far and hurt herself. Constantly trying to help her express her emotions through language and not whining. And constantly reminding myself that she is only 4.5 years old.

Sassy girl - all of 4.5!

her favorite place - Mommy's lap!

I see her seeking attention; she was singing to herself the other day, and when I didn't react, she says, "I'm in my world today, this is Kennedy's world". I see the frustrations as she screams, whines or cries the minute she's told "No". But I also see the love she has and the admiration as she tells people her sisters name, and as she proudly walks beside Molly's stroller - not even noticing the looks we are getting. Really, I think the weight she carries on her shoulders was made clear to me, when she hugged Molly as we hurried off to the hospital one night and said "be ok, I love you". And so, I know she has been made a better person for having a sibling with such specific and special needs and I know she will do wonderful things with her life. But, I must remember that she needs us as much, if not more then her sisters, because she is special too - in a different way, but definitely special!.