a constant mix of emotions

Because I am your mom, I will ALWAYS try to put on a brave face even when your pain is killing me inside. And I will ALWAYS be proud of whatever milestone you achieve, however big or small! These are two diverse emotions, but the path of motherhood has taught me that sequence and order mean nothing. Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had. I mean, serving bagels and coffee at BAGELZ back in the day did have its perks, but seriously nothing I've ever done compares with mothering Molly, Kennedy and Zoey. Nothing in life has ever exposed me to the range of raw emotions I feel on a daily basis. And even though I have three girls, they are each so different that parenting them is like starting the level all over again while still simultaneously playing the game in two other ways.

Admittedly, a lot of my focus tends to lay on Molly. She's the oldest, her list of challenges seems to grow daily, and her persona makes you just want to hug her all day. Today, Molly found out she gets to be BELLE 1 (of 2) in her Yale Children's Theater production of BEAUTY and the BEAST. My heart soared when I read the email, because I'm so proud of her. My eyes filled with tears when I read the email, because I'm so proud of her. And I couldn't help but smile when I saw how excited she was to get the part. Of course I'll worry, but I know in my heart she will be great - no matter what she does up there! So, although her days have been challenging and we are headed to our beloved Dr. Carlson tomorrow for some insights - today brought a much needed beam of sunshine for Molly (note: I would have been dancing if she was playing a tree - I'm just so proud of her for wanting to be involved!)


Also admittedly, young Kennedy has learned to quickly pull focus. Whether through death-defying stunts or ear-piercing tantrums - she clearly makes herself known in our day to day lives! Yesterday Kennedy made me so proud as she focused almost completely for the entire 40 minute gymnastics class despite a crowd of lively classmates. Her "apart-together" jumps are coming along nicely, she's conquered the fear of not only walking the balance beam alone but will now turn in circles and walk backwards. Her tumbling is coming along and her pre-cartwheel is really getting there! She also gave me no issues whatsoever about staying with Poppy today so I could take Zoey to her appointment. I am really looking forward to Kennedy's "Big Big Show" and to her Kindergarten registration. She will be undergoing some testing because although we no longer feel she is on the spectrum, we do know there are some missing connections for her. It's interesting because the missing pieces seem to be in a completely different place then her big sister's, but again - 2 totally different kiddos. She is struggling with retaining letters and numbers, even though she clearly wants to know them. And because Chris and I both believe the greatest disservice you can do your children is ignoring their needs, whatever they may be, because you are afraid of a label or embarrassed or scared; we will get her tested and we will get her whatever help she may need!

Thank Goodness for POPPY!

And so, number 3 joins the bunch. She has changed our lives in so many good ways and really completed our family - but I could have never been prepared for what adding a third child to our mix was going to mean. Zoey had a rough first six months. She screamed day in and day out. We were at the doctors, the ER, the GI. We tried elimination breast feeding and hypo allergenic formulas.  We tried different meds and different techniques. To say it was "just colic" is such a gross understatement of the nightmare of pain our child was in, that we won't even acknowledge that "C" word. We pushed and we finally found the combo that worked for her. We figured out what made her symptoms worse and we got through - we knew we would, we'd done it before with Kennedy. But Zoey was different. Her pain threshold seemed either incredibly low or her pain was just that intense. Her startle reflex was and is super sensitive, leaving her literally jumping in her sleep. Tearing aluminum foil is a torture instrument for our sensitive little girl. We also began to notice her lagging in her motor skills and with some discussion had her evaluated by birth to 3. We were right, she was behind in her motor skills and her communication. She qualified for services. They noted a left side weakness/ right side dominance, which should not happen at this young an age. We noticed an abnormal tongue thrust as she tried to eat. They noticed her tongue always coming to the left. We noticed her having weird body jerks and shudders. They were in agreement with our finding of her rigid and jerky body movements. They have been a blessing, because when you have children with special needs already, you start to question if you are over-thinking everything.

You question if she's really behind or you're just sensitive to it. Well meaning friends and family try to assure you she's fine and she'll catch up. But I'm her mom, and I know something is amiss. I don't know what it is, and I don't know if we'll get any solid answers, but I do know where to start. So, since Zoey started seeing Dr. Poduri at 4 months for the startle spells that looked like spasms, I contacted her with all the information. She immediately agreed that an MRI and 24 hr Video EEG were in order. Today was Zoey's MRI. If you've never done this procedure with an infant or small child, allow me to enlighten you! Due to the fact that you must stay completely still for the MRI, the youngest patients must be sedated. At Molly's age many of the kids can lie still themselves or like Molly, just require a local anesthesia, but at Zoey's age medication is injected.

This sedation requires the little ones to fast. This meant Zoey was allowed nothing after 5:30am and her test was not scheduled until 12noon! I woke her at 4:30 and shoved bananas and rice cereal down her throat and managed to coax 2oz of formula into her. She did surprisingly well and was only mildly cranky before the test. I thought she was good to go. She started amoxicilin on Sunday for her 3rd ear infection and hasn't had a temp since Monday night. She had a slightly drippy nose today and coughed once or twice, but seemed in good spirits. She even really crawled forward for the very first time today!

My dear friend Amy accompanied me to Yale while Poppy took the job of taking Kennedy to school and then picking both Molly and Keddy up at the end of the day (my dear husband has to take the next two thurs/fridays off for the VEEG and Butterfly bash).

Zoey had it rough. She apparently has really tiny veins and the extremely experienced NP Jeff (who has sedated Molly many times since she was 1) had a lot of trouble getting the IV in. Poor thing was traumatized as they tried twice in her hand and finally succeeded in her foot. I felt horrible as she screamed and tears ran down her face - there was nothing I could do but kiss her head, sing songs in her ear and wipe tears away. I've gotten too used to being able to reason and explain these procedures away and watch with humbled pride as they are shouldered - but there is no doing that with a 9 month old. Thankfully they administer a pain med and the sedation med as soon as the IV is in place and working. Amy and I put in our ear plugs and leafed through Food Network magazine while keeping an eye on the little feet poking out of the machine. And wouldn't you know those little feet went flying in the air half way through the test. In came Jeff to administer more sleepy meds and the contrast. She settled back down and we were soon transferring her to a gurney and sitting in recovery waiting for her to wake up. She did as they un-taped her ear plugs. She was a dead weight lying in my arms as the meds had robbed her of a lot of muscle control. She took her bottle and I started to notice a worsening cough. We moved her to her carseat and she settled right back down for a nap as we waited for a copy of the MRI on disc for OVER AN HOUR!

The ride home provided us with Zoey's drunken sounds coupled by her increasingly troublesome cough. By the time I got her home and settled and gave her dinner, the cough had me really worried and she now has a temp too. So, needless to say, even though she's in bed, her video monitor is on full volume and constantly within my peripheral vision. She is restless but tired and definitely congested! Good thing she's tagging along to Dr. Carlson's tomorrow!

Poor drugged up baby is ready to go home!

So, needless to say, because I am your mom - I live these tough days with you, but I also get to live the happy moments. My emotions are constantly all over the place, but I seriously think that is what it means to be a mom. Your job is to help your kids grow up to be the best possible person they can, to discover their fullest potential, to keep them safe, to provide for them, to love them unconditionally, and to always just be Mom. Our days are not easy, but they could be harder and most importantly they are always filled with love!